LISTENING

Deep, committed listening is central to the communication we engage in with our kids. Listening helps to inspire conversation, shape relationships, and fuel rich, reciprocal exchange. It allows us to “be seen” and to truly “see” our communication partner. It demonstrates our care for the other person and extends an invitation to receive the same deep listening in return.

However, this kind of listening is challenging and requires practice. Here are some thoughts on how we can improve the quality of our listening and build trust and safety in our conversations with our kids.

Courtesy of the work of Stephen Porges and George Thompson at the Polyvagal Institute, we can now understand listening as an essential component of a healthy nervous system. The polyvagal theory explains how the nervous system functions and how it influences our ability to feel safe — or not — in the world. It highlights the role of the vagus nerve in regulating feelings of safety and using that improved regulation for new learning. Thompson refers to his approach as “Polyvagal Listening.” Within the Polyvagal model, we strive to listen in a way that is Playful, Accepting, Curious, and Empathic (PACE). Listening with these qualities fosters trust and safety, relaxes the nervous system so it’s ready for social engagement, connects us to ourselves and our experiences, helps us become clear about how to express what we feel, and binds us to our communication partner.

Listening deeply requires regulation and awareness of our nervous system. We must “attune” to our child’s state as well as our own. Attuning involves the desire and ability to understand our child’s inner world. By leaning into our listening, attuning to our child’s inner experience, staying calm during the conversation, and bringing a “PACEful” approach to the relationship, we can keep a gentle touch, accept what we hear without judgment, foster curiosity in the exchange, and move toward empathy.

“There is just one foundational social skill: the ability to understand what another person is going through … to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen.” –David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, 2023

But how do we listen in this manner to the hardest conversations? In my next post, I’ll dive into ways we can bring this level of listening even to our most challenging talks. Stay tuned—there’s more to come!