Are you Listening?

Listening with intent? Listening with curiosity? Listening to learn? Listening to connect? Listening when more interested in what “me” wants  to say next? Listening is a powerful communication capacity. Safety, familiarity, trust, knowledge, auditory comprehension, empathy, and perspective work together to conceptualize listening.

Listening with intent? This may look like purposeful listening; whole body and eyes oriented to the shared topic/activity/event. One’s body may be quiet with the consciousness not to distract. One who is listening with intent is the best match for a presenter. They are communicating interest and care; offering a sense of safety for both speaker and listener. They are calm and one would describe them as being respectful and attentative to the speaker.

Listening with curiosity? The listener may be leaning in, learning content of interest, and engaged to learn new perspective. They may or may not offer a question. They may interrupt with excitement. They may walk away to think and reflect. This listener may be more difficult to predict but they often add to the content and their curiosity may lead to more deepness in the discussion.

Listening to learn? Seated in a classroom, lecture hall, or community gathering listening together regarding a shared interest. They may also just be sitting across from one another in a direct teacher to student learning environment. The student may be asked to present on a specific topic to show what they have learned.

Listening to connect? How does sit feel when I’m an active listener? What does it say to my partner? How does my listening make others feel? Listening to connect often transfers into a reciprocal interactions; hearing from each other to build upon new learning and perspectives.

I have experienced the joy of working with young people struggling to manage their emotions when joining others or engaging in conversation. They have so much to say! Who is listening? Who is offering a sense of belonging? And can the sense of belonging be shared, even when uncomfortable?

Therapists and teachers are trained to ‘do something’. What a fantastic idea when engaging in activism and protest (thank you Michelle Obama). ‘Doing something’ is a terrific process for sharing an idea that is like minded. But do we always need to be ‘doing something’? I postulate no. Often we need to join, following the Polyvagel process of PACE listening: playful, accepting, curious, and empathic. Do less, listen more. This can be extremely uncomfortable for the expert as well as the individual challenged with expressing themselves with ease. Does the problem need to be fixed? I offer that we need to join the problem with the intent of offering agency and empowerment to the individual in need. What might we “wonder?”

Many of the neurodivergent clients I work with do not feel heard. Is it their tone; feeling frustrated and becoming agitated as they work hard to express their idea/opinion/thought? I am often reminded by parents that their children don’t like questions. True at the surface level. Their responses to direct questions may come across as agitated or they refuse to answer, reporting that it is too hard to explain. The delivery of the question may trigger a melt down or to completely withdraw. With this in mind, it is reasonable to agree that some children don’t like questions. My question is then, are we listening? Are we communicating that wonderful sense of belonging that really helps our partner feel listened to. Certainly visible emotions can be obstacles to both the speaker and listener but they are also powerful cues to one’s neurology, specific to feeling that sense of belonging and being heard.

A few strategies to think through as we reflect on our listening skills:

1. Empathy. Remember that the person in front of us is working so hard to get their idea shared.

2. Pacing and volume; slow down and refrain from communicating verbally and nonverbally.

3. Nonverbal communication is powerful and many of us lose our awareness of our own nonverbal communication when we dysregulate.

4. Wonder and reflect.

5. If you are NOT in a place to listen, take a walk together or go for a drive. A change in venue, particularly when adding movement can be a game changer.

Listening is in the context of relationship. It is always present, even when alone. We listen to our voice as we read a book, we listen to noises outside of our quiet space. We listen to those we love and we listen to those we don’t like. We do our best to listen to our world to be safe and engaged. We listen to grow. We listen to build relationships. We listen to have a sense of agency.

Julie Burgess-Dennis